Holy cow it has been a year since I have posted anything. Today I started WW again with my hubby. I know that together we can lose the weight. I just hate to think that our little guy would be left alone due to the fact that we can seem to stop eating our feelings. I just read on the Oprah web site about being positive for 21 days. I really want to try and do that. I need to stop saying how busy I am, how tired I am etc as that certainly does not help me. I will go for a walk tonight and contemplate this new mind set.

I found this quote yesterday and it keeps running in my mind. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Boy does that sum me up or what

Just thinking about all kinds of random things...prayer, lent, weight. For some reason I have been thinking about lent and giving up something for god. It came to me today maybe what I need to do is not give up, but give. Give to me, kindness, respect, comfort. I need to practice kindness to myself. I get very worried because I always feel like there is tomorrow but you know that could be gone and I would leave a life of many regrets of how I treated myself. I know right now all I need is space and the peace to stand by my decisions. I have to learn self love!

I just am feeling so low..when I try I just can't seem to put it into words, the feelings, my feelings, alone, ugly, fat, disgusting, repulsive, broken, tortured, unlovable, beaten, forgotten, loathed, broken, broken, broken. My thoughts have been returning again and again to just calling it all quits. I know this will pass the days will get better but today it is black as fucking night.

I wonder all the time why I am such a searcher. Why do I always feel less than. How do I get myself to perfect???? If I just do this then I will feel confident and happy. Jeez I want to know what acceptance would feel like. Maybe I should just pray more. Who knows

What does it feel like to like yourself ? For just one day I would want to go thru an entire day with unyielding love for my self and for all those who are important to me. I want to know how it feels to be happy in your skin. What a high that must be in it's self. Not to barrage yourself with the nastiest of thoughts and words. To feel so OK that the simplest of perceived slights don't knock you off your rocker. Sometimes I just want to say good bye. I feel lately that my presence to all around is an annoyance and that I would be better off dead. Not to be so fucken sensitive that you take all things so personally, and I know that I am so fucked up that I would not dare say a thing to anyone, so I live alone in my head and that my friends is a very scary place.

This is what you could call a brain, heart and soul dump. I just need to get it out


Sometimes I just feel like this a crazy fucken roller coaster and I want off. I feel tired of the pressure of being someone I not sure I really am. I surely not the person I was last week. This I know for sure I LOVE JEFF with everything I have and all that I got. I don't think I have ever meet someone so nice, you know really nice, inside nice, he is so kind and gentle of spirit all the things that I am not. He is my world.

Jimmy died last week and they had the wake and funeral for him last Friday and Saturday. I was very sad for his family, but to be very truthful it was so hard to see my husband so distraught. It broke my heart. I am in still in awe of Terri , how she could find the strenght and speak at the service was amazing to me. They did such a great job with PJ totally amazaing. My husband spoke from his heart and was unashamed of the tears on his cheeks or the shaking of voice. He is everything I could ever ask for.

I have been in a pretty dark place lately. My failure as a mom keeps hitting in the face. I wish that I was one of those mom's who give lots of hugs and kisses and is very warm and maternal, but I was not one those. I think between dealing with all my many fucken stupid issues and working and supporting them, I let that go. I think that my ex destroyed any faith that I had that I was a good mom, along with the boys telling me that I ask too much from them. I am just not sure where I go with this but I do know that I love all three of my boys with all my heart and hear that they can't talk to me just stick a knife in my heart. You see I did everything for them, but I guess the things don't matter. I just fucked up and now I have find a way to connect to them.

Today my sister just hurt my feelings, I am sorry if my travel schedule is too full for her, but it is what I like to do and what makes me happy.

Belle grave needs to be tended to, I think tonight I will take a brush and some cleaner and Luke and I will go clean her grave. She deserves that!!!!

Jeff has been in VT since Sunday he comes home today and god I miss him and can't wait to have him home again.